So we went to the USU clinic today and got the diagnosis for Taliesin. They apparently had a lot of trouble deciding between selective mutism and autism. There is a lot of inherent overlap in the symptoms between those two so I can understand that. They decided in the end that his pattern of rigid routines etc was not typical for selective mutism and therefore decided to diagnose "autism spectrum disorder with features of selective mutism."
Part of me is just elated that since we now have an official diagnosis for him I can try to make his life better than mine was. I never received any proper services as a child because at the time the diagnosis didn't really exist in a useful way for me. Another part of me just isn't sure what to think. The doctors dumped a rather large plateful of suggested therapy routes for him on our plates and part of me just wants to push back and say we don't need that much help. Maybe its because for me the process of diagnosis was more about re self discovery and self acceptance but not about getting help from anyone part of me wants it to mean the same thing for him, even though that makes no sense.
I wish I felt like I could talk to more people about this. Since T essentially inherited this from me I almost feel like I can't talk about it without talking about myself at the same time. And as a general rule I generally don't talk about my own diagnostic situation with just about anyone. Its something I've been loosening up on quite a bit over the last few years, but only so much. I spent so long fearing that people wouldn't believe me if I talked about it or would assume horrible things about me that its just still really difficult to talk about it. But now it seems that I'll have to navigate a new path if I want to act as an advocate for Taliesin. Perhaps that is what scares me the most of anything.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Police shootings and bigotry
Within the last few weeks there has been a good deal of news reporting about a shooting in Utah where a young man was carrying a decorative sword for cosplay while walking around a mall and was shot by police very quickly after they tried to stop him. The police say he lunged at them with the sword, at least some witnesses say he was actually walking away from the police when they shot him. The family says that based on their evidence and autopsy report the police shooting seems unjustified and have suggested that racism somehow played into the police decision to kill their son. The evidence is apparently complicated by at least seemingly contradictory witness reports. I don't have any real knowledge of the case beyond what is in the newspaper, so I don't want to take any sides in the issue. Certainly the case shows that trust in a community between the black community and the police department can break down quickly. But I wanted to discuss the idea of racism more broadly because people seem to react to the issue as if the only possible way for the police to be racist would be for them to be some sort of evil monsters and since the police aren't monsters then they aren't racist. Life just isn't that simple. Racism takes both overt and covert forms and both kinds kill.
Before I get into that I want to break down a little bit more of why I have sympathy for the police in many situation where they kill someone on accident that they wish afterwards they hadn't. Unfortunately there are many criminals out there who would rather kill a cop than get caught. For whatever reason this desperation and lack of moral proportion comes into existence, it means that police can be killed by people who they have no relationship with and sometimes when, from the police officers perspective, the encounter with the criminal may not give them any obvious warning of impending violence. If a police officer stops a desperate criminal during a routine traffic stop to tell them that their tail light was out the police officer can become a target without warning. Because of this, the rules regarding when you are allowed to kill someone tend to be different for police.
A normal citizen in many jurisdictions has to be fairly certain that they need to kill someone to defend themselves before they are legally justified. A normal citizen may be required to try to de escalate the situation or flee. A normal citizen might be required to not use deadly force if only their property is in danger but not their physical well being. Just guessing that you might be in danger because someone might be drawing a weapon isn't enough of a reason to kill them. But that is often how it works for the police. Subject to many training routines and rules and regulations police are often trained to kill people with little provocation just based on the risk that a suspect might be about to attack them. All of that risk is calculated in split second decisions. Therefore, tragic mistakes happen on a semi routine basis. Its part of the reason why cap guns have orange tips on them these days. With the old ones it was too easy for cops to kill little kids because the cap guns looked like the real thing. Its a little bit like when someone with PTSD has a violent episode- the fear reactions in the brain can take over resulting in tragedies that are hard to understand afterwards.
Now lets get back to racism. There are two kinds. One is overt racism, where the racist individual is openly hateful or disdainful of different racial group and isn't particularly ashamed of it. These kinds of people can become violent and oppressive just because they are that filled with hate. There is another kind of racism where the racist individual is conscious that open racism is a bad thing, but still treats people of other ethnic groups poorly based on the assumption that the other group is just inherently bad in some way. An example would be a judge a few years back that denied giving an interracial couple a marriage license because he "knew" that inter racial marriages were inherently short lived. This covert racism probably exists in almost every single person who grows up in a culture with a history of racism. I can still remember the two incidents that helped me became aware of it in myself.
I was with my family and we were walking around the Washington DC area at in the evening or at night. A group of beggars lined the sidewalk- all black men. My father gave some change to one of them as he briskly walked past and then mentioned how he was fairly certain he smelled alcohol on the man's breath. Its been so long I can't remember for sure but I think my parents may have even coached us before we walked past that we were in a potentially dangerous situation. Fast forward years from then when our family was visiting England and were walking around in the city streets. We walked past a group of black boys or men and I felt my mind preparing to be afraid of them as potential criminals, but then something about the atmosphere- perhaps their refined sounding British accents- that threw off my sub-mental triggers and I didn't have the fear response I was accustomed to. I suddenly realized that I had been experiencing a racist fear of black men. I had never intended to be afraid, it was just part of the cultural world I inherited. Covert racism poisons your mind when you are trying to be a good person. Practically anyone who lives in a culture where racism is part of the history is going to have a certain amount of this poison in their system. Without intentionally trying to become aware of it and get rid of it this racism poison won't go anywhere just because you have good intentions. So I openly acknowledge that to my shame I've got a little bit of the racist in me. Now that I'm aware of it I try to root it out of myself whenever I can identify it.
Now lets flip back to the perspective of any cop facing a black man. Psychologically, I've read, carrying a gun is a good way to fool yourself into thinking the people around you are also carrying guns. Cops, because they carry guns, are likely to mistakenly think that others around them are carrying too. Once they make that mistake, police have to decide in a split second how dangerous they think a suspect is based on their behavior. And, most police officers in America are going to likely have irrational fears about black men being inherently dangerous. As a result- we can expect that in tragic situations police can kill unarmed black men based on mistakes of perception of whether a black man is armed and aggressive. These mistakes of perception can happen in just split seconds, leading to a dead man on the ground a few moments later. And the police officers don't have to be evil monsters to make that sort of mistake. They just have to be human. Granted, some evil monsters do manage to become police officers and act out intentional violence on the community around them. But in a society that condemns open racism, the accidental or "covert" racism will be more common by far and still kill people just as dead as if they were lynched by the KKK. So the next time that you hear speculation on whether or not a police shooting was motivated by racism- realize that it might be true even if it wasn't intentional. That being said, the police are supposed to be trained to minimize accidental killings and if they let their fears overwhelm their training they should be held responsible. But these situations are frequently anything but black and white.
Before I get into that I want to break down a little bit more of why I have sympathy for the police in many situation where they kill someone on accident that they wish afterwards they hadn't. Unfortunately there are many criminals out there who would rather kill a cop than get caught. For whatever reason this desperation and lack of moral proportion comes into existence, it means that police can be killed by people who they have no relationship with and sometimes when, from the police officers perspective, the encounter with the criminal may not give them any obvious warning of impending violence. If a police officer stops a desperate criminal during a routine traffic stop to tell them that their tail light was out the police officer can become a target without warning. Because of this, the rules regarding when you are allowed to kill someone tend to be different for police.
A normal citizen in many jurisdictions has to be fairly certain that they need to kill someone to defend themselves before they are legally justified. A normal citizen may be required to try to de escalate the situation or flee. A normal citizen might be required to not use deadly force if only their property is in danger but not their physical well being. Just guessing that you might be in danger because someone might be drawing a weapon isn't enough of a reason to kill them. But that is often how it works for the police. Subject to many training routines and rules and regulations police are often trained to kill people with little provocation just based on the risk that a suspect might be about to attack them. All of that risk is calculated in split second decisions. Therefore, tragic mistakes happen on a semi routine basis. Its part of the reason why cap guns have orange tips on them these days. With the old ones it was too easy for cops to kill little kids because the cap guns looked like the real thing. Its a little bit like when someone with PTSD has a violent episode- the fear reactions in the brain can take over resulting in tragedies that are hard to understand afterwards.
Now lets get back to racism. There are two kinds. One is overt racism, where the racist individual is openly hateful or disdainful of different racial group and isn't particularly ashamed of it. These kinds of people can become violent and oppressive just because they are that filled with hate. There is another kind of racism where the racist individual is conscious that open racism is a bad thing, but still treats people of other ethnic groups poorly based on the assumption that the other group is just inherently bad in some way. An example would be a judge a few years back that denied giving an interracial couple a marriage license because he "knew" that inter racial marriages were inherently short lived. This covert racism probably exists in almost every single person who grows up in a culture with a history of racism. I can still remember the two incidents that helped me became aware of it in myself.
I was with my family and we were walking around the Washington DC area at in the evening or at night. A group of beggars lined the sidewalk- all black men. My father gave some change to one of them as he briskly walked past and then mentioned how he was fairly certain he smelled alcohol on the man's breath. Its been so long I can't remember for sure but I think my parents may have even coached us before we walked past that we were in a potentially dangerous situation. Fast forward years from then when our family was visiting England and were walking around in the city streets. We walked past a group of black boys or men and I felt my mind preparing to be afraid of them as potential criminals, but then something about the atmosphere- perhaps their refined sounding British accents- that threw off my sub-mental triggers and I didn't have the fear response I was accustomed to. I suddenly realized that I had been experiencing a racist fear of black men. I had never intended to be afraid, it was just part of the cultural world I inherited. Covert racism poisons your mind when you are trying to be a good person. Practically anyone who lives in a culture where racism is part of the history is going to have a certain amount of this poison in their system. Without intentionally trying to become aware of it and get rid of it this racism poison won't go anywhere just because you have good intentions. So I openly acknowledge that to my shame I've got a little bit of the racist in me. Now that I'm aware of it I try to root it out of myself whenever I can identify it.
Now lets flip back to the perspective of any cop facing a black man. Psychologically, I've read, carrying a gun is a good way to fool yourself into thinking the people around you are also carrying guns. Cops, because they carry guns, are likely to mistakenly think that others around them are carrying too. Once they make that mistake, police have to decide in a split second how dangerous they think a suspect is based on their behavior. And, most police officers in America are going to likely have irrational fears about black men being inherently dangerous. As a result- we can expect that in tragic situations police can kill unarmed black men based on mistakes of perception of whether a black man is armed and aggressive. These mistakes of perception can happen in just split seconds, leading to a dead man on the ground a few moments later. And the police officers don't have to be evil monsters to make that sort of mistake. They just have to be human. Granted, some evil monsters do manage to become police officers and act out intentional violence on the community around them. But in a society that condemns open racism, the accidental or "covert" racism will be more common by far and still kill people just as dead as if they were lynched by the KKK. So the next time that you hear speculation on whether or not a police shooting was motivated by racism- realize that it might be true even if it wasn't intentional. That being said, the police are supposed to be trained to minimize accidental killings and if they let their fears overwhelm their training they should be held responsible. But these situations are frequently anything but black and white.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Hurry up and wait
As a sequel to my earlier post I thought I'd write up a little more explanation of what's going on with T's evaluations. It sounds like the DSM-V has advanced the formality of diagnostic decisions a great deal- either that or my personal experiences were rather primitive for some other reason. For the initial interview Bonnie Jean had to answer and explain her answers to about 90 questions regarding T's abilities and behaviors, and each answer will eventually be assigned a score which then feeds back into a diagnostic formula which gives them the most likely diagnoses. Then further testing can be performed to check for certain which of those is actually the case. They won't be able to give the results of the initial assessment for several weeks and the next diagnostic appointment where more testing might be done won't be available it sounded like for probably at least a month after the initial visit. This university clinic handles the official government caseload for the entire county and is therefore somewhat overloaded with work.
The speech pathologist who performed the interview said her first impression was that possibly we were looking at selective mutism since T appears to be able or unable to speak based on the social context and several other characteristic tendencies for autism spectrum disorder don't really show up prominently. For example we've never noticed T to stim or show any particular sensory sensitivities. But she also acknowledged that she isn't the psychologist so someone else entirely will be making the judgement call. But it sounded like the speech pathologist was fairly certain we were seeing something unusual going on and that we were on the right track having him evaluated.
On the plus side, we are officially poor enough to get a reduced price on the diagnostic services the clinic offers and will only have to pay 15% of the actual cost. Given that even the initial interview was supposed to originally cost $250, we're very happy about these savings. But in the meantime it will be quite a wait till we know anything in particular for certain. We're glad the specialists can put so much precise effort into figuring this out, especially since it is such a complicated area we've never been comfortable with arm chair diagnosing T as anything and its always possible to inherit just a few quirks without getting the full package.
The speech pathologist who performed the interview said her first impression was that possibly we were looking at selective mutism since T appears to be able or unable to speak based on the social context and several other characteristic tendencies for autism spectrum disorder don't really show up prominently. For example we've never noticed T to stim or show any particular sensory sensitivities. But she also acknowledged that she isn't the psychologist so someone else entirely will be making the judgement call. But it sounded like the speech pathologist was fairly certain we were seeing something unusual going on and that we were on the right track having him evaluated.
On the plus side, we are officially poor enough to get a reduced price on the diagnostic services the clinic offers and will only have to pay 15% of the actual cost. Given that even the initial interview was supposed to originally cost $250, we're very happy about these savings. But in the meantime it will be quite a wait till we know anything in particular for certain. We're glad the specialists can put so much precise effort into figuring this out, especially since it is such a complicated area we've never been comfortable with arm chair diagnosing T as anything and its always possible to inherit just a few quirks without getting the full package.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Meditation
Over the last few months I've worked myself into a massive knot of stress and nerves. The thing about me is that I often can't tell when that is happening except by external physical indicators. My ability to understand why emotionally that is happening is kind of slow- I've only started piecing it together over about the last week. Now that I've started piecing together what was going on and finding ways to solve it, I'm also looking for new tools to supplement my existing emotional maintenance toolkit. I think I'm going to add regular meditation exercises to the toolbox. I've been interested in the idea off and on for several years now and even went so far as to buy a meditation manual that explained the framework. I've just never felt like I had the time to do it regularly. Tonight I tried just the basics of what I could remember from getting part way through the meditation manual for just 10 minutes- which I know is kind of on the short side for this kind of thing. But even ten minutes of intentionally trying to make my mind hold still has just left me so soothed out I can't imagine not wanting to keep up with it. This is only the second time in my life I've tried this exercise- and the first time left me profoundly moved as well. I've read that it can take people a long time to get a taste for this. I don't know if I'm just having a few lucky tries on the first attempts or if my mind is just well suited for enjoying meditation in bite sized pieces every once in a while- which I'm sure is different than enjoying it every day for longer periods of time. But there is definitely a power in reaching for internal stillness that seems apparent even in just a few tries. I wish I had done this years ago.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
The Passing of Genetic Destiny?
Even as far back as when Bonnie Jean and I began serious dating, we talked about the possibility that our kids would be autistic. It was just part of the package that came with the idea of marrying an autistic man. I seem to remember Bonnie Jean saying that once she understood me better, she didn't think she'd have a problem with it.
When we got pregnant after a few years of trying, it wasn't too far from our minds. The medical intake forms for the OBGYN asked if there was any history of autism in the family, and I seem to remember joking that I wondered whether the doctor would be surprised if I told him that yes there was a history of autism in the family because I had Asperger Syndrome.
When Taliesin was born I don't remember how it came up but I took one of my blind leaps and somehow ended up disclosing my autism to one of the nurses at the hospital who was absolutely fascinated by me. Talking about my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis can be hard even with people that I trust will react well- even to the point that I've had times that the experience leaves me shaking. But sometimes I just dive in and let it flow. Fortunately it turned out well.
When Taliesin was late with his language development milestones or broke into sobs of tears because a stranger dared smile at him, autism wasn't far from our minds. He was so scared of strangers that we had to tell the people who took care of nursery at the church not to pick him up to calm him down when he was upset. He'd calm down faster if he wasn't also screaming about someone touching and looking at him. Fortunately they were willing to believe us and reported with some bewilderment that our judgement was right, he calmed down faster on the floor than being cuddled by a stranger.
Some family members have kind of started from the assumption that every one of these signals was a definite sign that our little boy was on the autistic spectrum. But we never saw enough to consider it a justified assumption. We've let our pediatricians know our family history and routinely discussed Taliesin's quirks with him. But until recently our pediatricians had never considered that enough symptoms were falling into place to be taken seriously. It always seemed a possibility that Taliesin might just inherit a few of my quirks without getting the whole package. During our last well visit though we explained the severe social anxiety, literal concrete thinking patterns, rigid routines, and ritualistic play patterns that our son was developing. And now we've got a referral to the University for an autism screening. While the result isn't certain, we're feeling more settled that they will make an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis.
I'm starting to see a lot of my own limitations in my son. As we were describing how Taliesin literally took months of acclimatization to be willing to talk to the newly moved in neighbor kids because he'd rather just stand there and smile shyly it made me think of myself as an adult at work. It takes me a long time of adjustment- weeks to months actually-to feel comfortable with a new social group and be ready to do anything much more than just sit there and read by myself. I'm just happy to have people around so that if I choose to take the effort to interact they'll be there for me. After a long time maybe I'll find a few people that I can figure out how to talk to on a more chit chat basis. When changes in seating arrangements force me to sit by new people on a regular basis I quickly become mostly silent and miserable.
Within the last few weeks my son has finally gotten over his initial shyness to try to talk to the new neighbor children. But somehow they are just feeling confused by his choices of conversation- such as what kinds of shoes they are wearing or whether there are ravens on the roof of the building and what noise they make. And yes- he knows what ravens look like, along with a number of other birds because his bird obsessed father has been teaching him. So the little girls he is trying to befriend just ignore him, perhaps just not knowing how to react- especially given his history of not being up to speaking to them. Just to example how firmly that expectation of his silence has formed, Bonnie Jean saw one of these little girls wanting to play with Taliesin's bike but being stopped by her mom who wanted the little girl to ask Taliesin first. The little girl burst into tears, crying that Taliesin wouldn't answer. Fortunately, Taliesin was feeling social and was willing to speak to the girl and answer yes. And just like me at work trying to figure out how to chit chat with fellow employees, the comfort required to say that much took him months.
When we decided to get pregnant we knew this might be the result. I've known my life was worth living and therefore worth passing on, especially if I could make it a better life for my son than I had had- undiagnosed and coping with the emotional strain of a sometimes horridly abusive home. As much as I want to ease the difficulties, I know I won't ever be able to completely make them disappear for him, just like I can't do that for myself. Like me, he'll be likely to susceptible to episodes of anxiety and depression. Like me, he'll probably have trouble seeing into his own mind to understand the emotions churning there.
I hope that like me he'll have a passionate commitment to justice, gentleness, and truth. I hope that like me, he'll be able to take a fierce joy in obsessively enjoying life. I hope that like me he'll thirst to learn new things all his life. And I hope that, unlike me, he'll learn much earlier in life to love and understand who he is as he goes through every step of life in his own way.
When we got pregnant after a few years of trying, it wasn't too far from our minds. The medical intake forms for the OBGYN asked if there was any history of autism in the family, and I seem to remember joking that I wondered whether the doctor would be surprised if I told him that yes there was a history of autism in the family because I had Asperger Syndrome.
When Taliesin was born I don't remember how it came up but I took one of my blind leaps and somehow ended up disclosing my autism to one of the nurses at the hospital who was absolutely fascinated by me. Talking about my Asperger Syndrome diagnosis can be hard even with people that I trust will react well- even to the point that I've had times that the experience leaves me shaking. But sometimes I just dive in and let it flow. Fortunately it turned out well.
When Taliesin was late with his language development milestones or broke into sobs of tears because a stranger dared smile at him, autism wasn't far from our minds. He was so scared of strangers that we had to tell the people who took care of nursery at the church not to pick him up to calm him down when he was upset. He'd calm down faster if he wasn't also screaming about someone touching and looking at him. Fortunately they were willing to believe us and reported with some bewilderment that our judgement was right, he calmed down faster on the floor than being cuddled by a stranger.
Some family members have kind of started from the assumption that every one of these signals was a definite sign that our little boy was on the autistic spectrum. But we never saw enough to consider it a justified assumption. We've let our pediatricians know our family history and routinely discussed Taliesin's quirks with him. But until recently our pediatricians had never considered that enough symptoms were falling into place to be taken seriously. It always seemed a possibility that Taliesin might just inherit a few of my quirks without getting the whole package. During our last well visit though we explained the severe social anxiety, literal concrete thinking patterns, rigid routines, and ritualistic play patterns that our son was developing. And now we've got a referral to the University for an autism screening. While the result isn't certain, we're feeling more settled that they will make an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis.
I'm starting to see a lot of my own limitations in my son. As we were describing how Taliesin literally took months of acclimatization to be willing to talk to the newly moved in neighbor kids because he'd rather just stand there and smile shyly it made me think of myself as an adult at work. It takes me a long time of adjustment- weeks to months actually-to feel comfortable with a new social group and be ready to do anything much more than just sit there and read by myself. I'm just happy to have people around so that if I choose to take the effort to interact they'll be there for me. After a long time maybe I'll find a few people that I can figure out how to talk to on a more chit chat basis. When changes in seating arrangements force me to sit by new people on a regular basis I quickly become mostly silent and miserable.
Within the last few weeks my son has finally gotten over his initial shyness to try to talk to the new neighbor children. But somehow they are just feeling confused by his choices of conversation- such as what kinds of shoes they are wearing or whether there are ravens on the roof of the building and what noise they make. And yes- he knows what ravens look like, along with a number of other birds because his bird obsessed father has been teaching him. So the little girls he is trying to befriend just ignore him, perhaps just not knowing how to react- especially given his history of not being up to speaking to them. Just to example how firmly that expectation of his silence has formed, Bonnie Jean saw one of these little girls wanting to play with Taliesin's bike but being stopped by her mom who wanted the little girl to ask Taliesin first. The little girl burst into tears, crying that Taliesin wouldn't answer. Fortunately, Taliesin was feeling social and was willing to speak to the girl and answer yes. And just like me at work trying to figure out how to chit chat with fellow employees, the comfort required to say that much took him months.
When we decided to get pregnant we knew this might be the result. I've known my life was worth living and therefore worth passing on, especially if I could make it a better life for my son than I had had- undiagnosed and coping with the emotional strain of a sometimes horridly abusive home. As much as I want to ease the difficulties, I know I won't ever be able to completely make them disappear for him, just like I can't do that for myself. Like me, he'll be likely to susceptible to episodes of anxiety and depression. Like me, he'll probably have trouble seeing into his own mind to understand the emotions churning there.
I hope that like me he'll have a passionate commitment to justice, gentleness, and truth. I hope that like me, he'll be able to take a fierce joy in obsessively enjoying life. I hope that like me he'll thirst to learn new things all his life. And I hope that, unlike me, he'll learn much earlier in life to love and understand who he is as he goes through every step of life in his own way.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Forward the Foundation
It might surprise many people who know me today as a bookworm who sometimes can't manage basic conversation skills, but I was a delayed reader. I didn't read until 3rd grade, when I read "The Hobbit." Then in fourth and fifth grade I read many of Isaac Asimov's Foundation series. My parents wouldn't let me read the whole series because of some of its more adult themes. But that didn't stop by fifth grade book report from being on "Foundation's Edge" which is the 6th book in the series. I even had a sculpy clay statue of the spaceship from the picture on the front of the book to go along with it.
One of the books my parents banned me from reading was the second of the two prequels, "Forward the Foundation." The main character's son marries a prostitute in a really non sexy sub plot, but edgy enough that they thought a little boy like me shouldn't be allowed to read it. As a result, I knew so many of the characters introduced in "Prelude to Foundation" without knowing much about them or what became of them. And after all these years I've come back and read the missing piece of the story. And I find myself kind of mourning the characters. These characters inhabited my imagination from a very young age- and I find myself having misjudged them at times, misunderstood them at others, or simply failing to understand their life's significance.
For example...
Somehow I missed that the main character had married an android robot. Its only hinted at in the first book, but just enough that maybe I should have guessed. I was always dissatisfied with Hari Seldon's relationship with Dors Venaboli- but I judgmentally thought that was because the characters were immoral. To summarize, at the end of Prelude to Foundation Hari is desperately trying to keep his new found love from leaving him and asks Dors if she'd ever really wanted to kiss or sleep with anyone or if she had just done so because she didn't want to disappoint people. When she confesses that she simply hasn't wanted to disappoint anyone and she finds that she wants him to kiss her, all my prudish teenage brain could come up with was that the relationship had a jarring lack of depth and all I could see was two people whose sexual side was getting the better of them. The passage is jarring for a reason. Dors, as a robot, has a somewhat limited emotional vocabulary and that does limit the depth of the relationship. But when I read the passage where she lies dying- killed by an assassin trying to kill her to allow the government to kill Hari, and Hari has just barely consciously realized that she is a robot for the first time and she thanks him for making her human, my harshness towards her in my past judgements lies exposed.
I didn't read Prelude to Foundation until rather late in my teenagerhood- it originally having been on the banned book list but eventually I was allowed to read it. So Hari Seldon was someone that I knew only as a hologram that would appear at critical moments to give prophecy and guidance to the future. I did not know him as a man. In Prelude to Foundation he spends his time being a puppet on a string to do the bidding of a telepath robot who mind controls him for the good of galactic mankind- so reading it didn't really help me get to know him that well. Now I know his life story- how he grew old and died, losing almost every one that was dear to him until he ended dead slumped over in a wheel chair- the tools of his equations and prophecy in his hands. Again, the limited perspective I had of him earlier is painfully embarressing.
And then there is Eto Demerzel. The problem with diving into adult science fiction or fantasy as a child is that your imagination has to supply the missing parts that you can't understand. I actually for a time believed that Eto Demerzel was a computerized hologram of emperor Cleon- made to look more handsome and impressive than the reality. Since then I have read the Caves of Steel books, and I know all about the past and motivations of Eto Demerzel- Robot Daneel Olivaw. Lets just say that I felt really emotional reading about the robot attending Hari's funeral, giving one and probably the only public thanks if you will to a life that was devoted to the good of the galaxy because of Daneel's vision for the future.
When I first read these books they were simply adventure stories to me. Now I'm more mature and can read them more in their proper context because I'm filling in the holes in the story where I wasn't allowed to read when I was a child. Reading them as an adult I can now fully understand the extent to which Isaac Asimov was a master of science fiction, and I'm thrilled to rediscover his writing.
One of the books my parents banned me from reading was the second of the two prequels, "Forward the Foundation." The main character's son marries a prostitute in a really non sexy sub plot, but edgy enough that they thought a little boy like me shouldn't be allowed to read it. As a result, I knew so many of the characters introduced in "Prelude to Foundation" without knowing much about them or what became of them. And after all these years I've come back and read the missing piece of the story. And I find myself kind of mourning the characters. These characters inhabited my imagination from a very young age- and I find myself having misjudged them at times, misunderstood them at others, or simply failing to understand their life's significance.
For example...
Somehow I missed that the main character had married an android robot. Its only hinted at in the first book, but just enough that maybe I should have guessed. I was always dissatisfied with Hari Seldon's relationship with Dors Venaboli- but I judgmentally thought that was because the characters were immoral. To summarize, at the end of Prelude to Foundation Hari is desperately trying to keep his new found love from leaving him and asks Dors if she'd ever really wanted to kiss or sleep with anyone or if she had just done so because she didn't want to disappoint people. When she confesses that she simply hasn't wanted to disappoint anyone and she finds that she wants him to kiss her, all my prudish teenage brain could come up with was that the relationship had a jarring lack of depth and all I could see was two people whose sexual side was getting the better of them. The passage is jarring for a reason. Dors, as a robot, has a somewhat limited emotional vocabulary and that does limit the depth of the relationship. But when I read the passage where she lies dying- killed by an assassin trying to kill her to allow the government to kill Hari, and Hari has just barely consciously realized that she is a robot for the first time and she thanks him for making her human, my harshness towards her in my past judgements lies exposed.
I didn't read Prelude to Foundation until rather late in my teenagerhood- it originally having been on the banned book list but eventually I was allowed to read it. So Hari Seldon was someone that I knew only as a hologram that would appear at critical moments to give prophecy and guidance to the future. I did not know him as a man. In Prelude to Foundation he spends his time being a puppet on a string to do the bidding of a telepath robot who mind controls him for the good of galactic mankind- so reading it didn't really help me get to know him that well. Now I know his life story- how he grew old and died, losing almost every one that was dear to him until he ended dead slumped over in a wheel chair- the tools of his equations and prophecy in his hands. Again, the limited perspective I had of him earlier is painfully embarressing.
And then there is Eto Demerzel. The problem with diving into adult science fiction or fantasy as a child is that your imagination has to supply the missing parts that you can't understand. I actually for a time believed that Eto Demerzel was a computerized hologram of emperor Cleon- made to look more handsome and impressive than the reality. Since then I have read the Caves of Steel books, and I know all about the past and motivations of Eto Demerzel- Robot Daneel Olivaw. Lets just say that I felt really emotional reading about the robot attending Hari's funeral, giving one and probably the only public thanks if you will to a life that was devoted to the good of the galaxy because of Daneel's vision for the future.
When I first read these books they were simply adventure stories to me. Now I'm more mature and can read them more in their proper context because I'm filling in the holes in the story where I wasn't allowed to read when I was a child. Reading them as an adult I can now fully understand the extent to which Isaac Asimov was a master of science fiction, and I'm thrilled to rediscover his writing.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
WII-U
Because its been a long time since I did anything for fun for myself I decided I'd pick up a WII-U and try to catch up on some games that I had never gotten around to playing. Honestly I grew up playing nothing more sophisticated than a Sega Genesis and found more recent game systems during attempts to play them at friends houses to be confusing- what buttons did I push and when and what did they all do? So I never really caught up with gaming. And honestly I probably never will from the perspective of serious players. I've got too much of my time taken up by school and work and family to really into things. So since a lot of what I wanted to do was to play the metroid and zelda games that I missed out on growing up a WII-U was a perfect match. It could backwards compatible play the older titles and I could catch the more recent ones as well. All with a new system that was significantly cheaper than the other systems out there unless you want to buy used or older models. So far I've got a couple impressions.
First is it seems like the WII-U was launched in beta and nobody has thought to make certain that newly manufacturer devices come with reasonably updated firmware. This is a problem because the firmware updates that have to be installed to begin with run into several gigabytes of data and I only have a 3 mbps internet speed on my home connection. Looking over the change log- it appears as if Nintendo has been releasing firmware updates every couple months since the system came out and are still promising that eventually they'll fix the lag time the system has navigating its menu or opening new apps. They also haven't even gotten around to programming in the ability to access multiple hard drives at once or to swap out the drives without rebooting the entire system- despite having come with 4 USB ports. So apparently the firmware and fine tuned decisions on how exactly the system should work is giving someone a massive headache.
Next comes NintendoLand- a bunch of mini games or demos inspired by prominent titles. So far I've only played the zelda mini game. And honestly its kind of embarressing. Its fun enough, but when the largest reason that I find the game difficult is that I'm given only partial control over where my player walks and when it feels like the demo was whipped together in somebody's spare time to show off the controller instead of the Zelda game series.
Next is the time line of title releases. Maybe I just have odd expectations of gaming systems or something. But the WII-U has been out for about a year and a half and they only have just gotten the first Zelda game designed for the system from the ground up on preorder and there are no new metroid games available unless the Nintendo Land demo counts somehow. If its similar in quality to the Zelda demo I'm not certain that would make me feel excited about the game system. That being said the system has managed to release games for other major franchises such as the WII sports, smashbrothers, mario kart, and Super mario's world. So maybe I'm just blinded by expecting that they'd have gone farther on Zelda. But they did manage to find the time to port Wind Waker from all the way back from Game Cube over. But that isn't a new game- its just a port from a system two game console versions ago.
Another impression is that they may have made a mistake by trying to split the remote control usage between their new game pad with its screen and the baton waving WII remotes. It means that in multiplayer games they have to find something to do with the on remote screen that is interesting but unimportant enough for the secondary players to not be able to do it on their own. Which basically ensures that the secondary screen is pretty much lame except in single player games.
In the end the system will do exactly what I wanted- play older and more recent games while allowing me a little flexibility to explore other more modern or recent games. But I think the Nintendo brand is struggling a bit to get their feet under them.
First is it seems like the WII-U was launched in beta and nobody has thought to make certain that newly manufacturer devices come with reasonably updated firmware. This is a problem because the firmware updates that have to be installed to begin with run into several gigabytes of data and I only have a 3 mbps internet speed on my home connection. Looking over the change log- it appears as if Nintendo has been releasing firmware updates every couple months since the system came out and are still promising that eventually they'll fix the lag time the system has navigating its menu or opening new apps. They also haven't even gotten around to programming in the ability to access multiple hard drives at once or to swap out the drives without rebooting the entire system- despite having come with 4 USB ports. So apparently the firmware and fine tuned decisions on how exactly the system should work is giving someone a massive headache.
Next comes NintendoLand- a bunch of mini games or demos inspired by prominent titles. So far I've only played the zelda mini game. And honestly its kind of embarressing. Its fun enough, but when the largest reason that I find the game difficult is that I'm given only partial control over where my player walks and when it feels like the demo was whipped together in somebody's spare time to show off the controller instead of the Zelda game series.
Next is the time line of title releases. Maybe I just have odd expectations of gaming systems or something. But the WII-U has been out for about a year and a half and they only have just gotten the first Zelda game designed for the system from the ground up on preorder and there are no new metroid games available unless the Nintendo Land demo counts somehow. If its similar in quality to the Zelda demo I'm not certain that would make me feel excited about the game system. That being said the system has managed to release games for other major franchises such as the WII sports, smashbrothers, mario kart, and Super mario's world. So maybe I'm just blinded by expecting that they'd have gone farther on Zelda. But they did manage to find the time to port Wind Waker from all the way back from Game Cube over. But that isn't a new game- its just a port from a system two game console versions ago.
Another impression is that they may have made a mistake by trying to split the remote control usage between their new game pad with its screen and the baton waving WII remotes. It means that in multiplayer games they have to find something to do with the on remote screen that is interesting but unimportant enough for the secondary players to not be able to do it on their own. Which basically ensures that the secondary screen is pretty much lame except in single player games.
In the end the system will do exactly what I wanted- play older and more recent games while allowing me a little flexibility to explore other more modern or recent games. But I think the Nintendo brand is struggling a bit to get their feet under them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
