Wednesday, April 14, 2010


So I applied to the position I mentioned earlier.  I lost control of my self presentation fairly quickly in the interview but managed to do so without being completely embarrassing.  Just good old candid me who can't think about how something will sound to someone else until afterward .  Initially I was told I'd get a response within several hours.  Now its been several days and last I checked we were just glad that the last person they needed to interview had shown up to work as planned and that no unexpected extra events were thrown in the schedule for that day.  Emotionally this has been unpleasant, like being trapped in a stress position.  I'm in the midst of a change that is uncertain as to whether its going to happen, and I'm uncertain as to whether its going to happen for several days now.  Its not that I don't think the change would be for the better or that we wouldn't be able to manage if the change didn't happen.  It's just I'm stuck not knowing whether things are changing.  Reminds me of when I went to college the first time.  I desperately wanted to leave home, but the sheer amount of uncertainty and change involved left me so stressed out I could hardly eat for I think about a week or more.

Back to the present, this could be a lot worse I suppose, but a ton of my body's stress indicators are all sending up signal flares and fireworks.  I can't remember the last time I was this twitchy, don't recall ever having stress stomach aches before, and can't bring myself to fall asleep.  Today was the first day since applying for it that I managed to make myself follow my normal break routine at work instead of doing something like staring out the window doing nothing except watching the pattern of light play around the blinds replaying awkward events from my past through my mind or wishing I was better at predicting how things would sound when I said them.

As I told one of my associates at work today, I'm mentally freaking out, but trying to do so calmly.

Some days I just have to love being me.  Because if I didn't I'd have to find out how to love being someone else, and that sounds like a headache. (grins).

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